Probably not worth blogging about

My socks today.

2011-06-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

Jealous much?

That's right, my socks are awesome. Also that is my very lazy dog Chester.

Geek Chic

2011-06-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

In the words of Hardison from Leverage (GREAT SHOW btw) it's the "age of the geek baby." For the first time in my life I am happy with who I am. This does not mean that I'm perfect, I've just accepted who I am, what I like and dislike, and that I am good enough just being exactly who I am. Do I want to grow as a person? Of course but I'm not looking to fundamentally change who I am.

My name is Beckie, and I'm a geek.

Is it my lack of social graces? Perhaps my obsessive Harry Potter fanaticisms. That right there *points to picture* is me, dressed as Dolores Umbridge for the last Harry Potter movie release. I was (and will be again this July) volunteer staff for they're big midnight showing parties. Its so much fun! I get to speak in a bad British accent and be really surly with everyone. I hot glued left over fabric from that dress I made, oh yes, I made the costume myself, well I hot glued fabric onto this pair of shoes and added giant pink bias cut satin bows on them. I ask people trivia questions and have met a few people who LOVE to get stumped with my questions. It is genuinely one of the most enjoyable things I do that doesn't involve hanging out with Hubby. But I digress, the point is, do charismatic popular people do this? Not that I've found, but is that alright we me? Yep, denying myself something that I really enjoy doing that doesn't hurt anyone else is just silly. So I accept that, even if it is pretty geeky.

My Son is pandering to me with his Halloween costume this year, and I don't care it's awesome. He wants to be Doctor Who!!! How amazing is that! I had a full on nerdgasm when he told me that. I have some amazing tweed and so I will be making him a tweed jacket as well as a bow tie because "bow ties are cool" I wonder if I could talk him into wearing the Fez from the "Big Band 2" episode, because "Fez's are cool" Even if Amy and River Song blew it to pieces, I mean he says immediately after that he can always get a new fez. We've talked about making him a shirt that could say whatever he wants on it, ya know just print it out and iron it on. He wants one that says "bow ties are cool" swoon, he melts my heart!!! He has this big pen casing that had long since lost the ink stick, it's now his sonic screwdriver *gush* how cute is that?!?!? I told him that if he wants to be Doctor Who for Halloween then we could get a Sonic Screwdriver. That is multi-generational geek and again I love it; how could anyone not?

It bleeds into my fashion world too, I proposed a tutu design to the Ballet West Fantasy Tutu charity event, while sadly I had to be in Seattle the night of this event and didn't end up making it, I have here proof that even when I'm legitimately trying to be fashion-ish I can't stop. The name "Pandorica" made me laugh because it's the title of one of my favorite Doctor Who episodes. I just couldn't NOT do it!

I have one of the coolest, chicist, and most "glamourous" jobs that people have. People dream about growing up and getting to do what I do; I get an email at least once a month from some parent who wants me to give their kid advice. I get invited to do Runway shows and sit in VIP seating, but it's so foreign to me! I feel so out of place at these cool events with these cool people because I feel like I'm going to get found out or something, I simply feel like a fraud. Put me in line at Dragon Con... *sigh* right at home.

I can't get excited about a summer action block buster unless someone's got super powers. Stardust, an amazing movie, we've gotten it through netflix at least 3 times. And by "WE" I mean Hubby watched it once and fell asleep while I watched it twice in a row and gushed.

I know what MMO and RPG stand for and have played 'em. I've belonged to a guild, I only watched Castle at first because Nathan Fillion was photographed in a brown coat! I genuinely want a Jayne hat, and would get them for all of my kids if husband would let me. I know all they lyrics to "Hero of Canton" and sing it to myself sometimes. I know the origin story behind the Stargates, and have asked co workers questions that include the word "Ferengi".

I insisted the boys watch the original Star Wars trilogy before the prequels so they could be purists. That actually mattered to me. Saying that though, I have looked up screen caps of Padme's wardrobe and really considered how to make each of them.

It doesn't just stop at epic fantasy or sci fi stuff either. Those cheesy Disney channel original movies, I LOVE them. I live for the cheesy wholesome movies where the acting is pretty awful but in the end everything is happy. I have to look away when they inevitably kiss at the end because I'm blushing.

Jane Austin *sigh* I love it. I will work with the Keira Knightly Pride and Prejudice on and just gush. Or just listen to the audiobook version of Emma, again and again.

I love the campy feel of musicals but I fast forward through all the musical numbers.

I guess the point is that I've accepted it, all the geektastical nature of what I like. I like what I like and it makes me happy. Am I a good person? Yes. Am I a cool person... no. Perhaps in only VERY specific circles but I don't think I have the social graces to pull that off either. Am I enjoying myself? Yes. And at the end of the day, that's enough for me.

Live long and prosper.

Bexter McAwesome

Vera Violet Vinn

2011-06-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

This dear world is my daughter, most pictures of her end up like this one these days because she's reaching for the camera. I think she's darling.
Violet Rebecca McKinney was born July 25th 2010. Let me tell you that made for a fun 24th celebration, and of course by fun I mean me crying that I wanted to go home because I was hurting really bad while husband said "soon, when this game is done." I think my general whininess had peaked so that he couldn't tell that this was serious. Aww the love. *sigh* It's alright I got even by waking him up at 2 am that night screaming with contraction pain. I always thought that was so cliche but I actually woke up screaming; who knew?
She was 8lbs 13 oz and besides some jaundice from our Rh incompatibility she was healthy and strong.
I'll be the first to admit that I was and still am a little afraid of having a daughter. It's coming slowly but she still doesn't have new church shoes because I wouldn't buy the ones with hearts or sparkle on them. Sister in law made fun of me when we went shopping for baby stuff because none of it made the cut due to the overwhelming 'too girly' of it all. I'm not going to apologize for refusing to dress her is ugly hearted, rhinestoned, glittery crap!!! With that said, she wore a shirt today that had glittery flowers on it BUT it wasn't ugly. Throwing sparkle on ugly crap just makes it shiny ugly crap nothing more.
That said this baby girl of mine is going to be my model for as long as I can get her to do it. She's had several dresses, and 2 tailored coats made for her and I hold myself back because she out grows it so quickly. I never played with dolls or barbies as a child... perhaps I'm just making up for lost time?
It's funny when people come up to her in church or in the store and softly goo goo ga at her, this girl has two brothers who DELIGHT in jumping out of everywhere and shouting boo. She loves it too which is why this would last forever if eventually it didn't begin to annoy me so much I have to tell them to stop. She just doesn't do gentle cooing though.
Violet rounds out or Dr. Seuss kids names. Sam, well that's easy, Sam I am. Liam is the Irish form of William and he's named after "Willy Waterloo who washes Warren Wiggins who washes Waldo Woo." Then Violet is Vera Violet Vinn is very very awful on her Violin. And yes, just because I think it's funny she will be forced into Violin lessons. IF and that's a big, we have another baby we're thinking Maxwell for a boy after the Grinch's dog or Rosalie for Rosy Robbin Ross rides a red rhinoceros. Then both our girls could be colors and flowers, aww... feel free to gush now.
I guess the read point of this is to just say that we love our little girl. She's fun and laughs all the time. She never fails to be a bright spot in my day. Even Sunday's where we have to try and convince her not to dive off the pew into the shocked arms of strangers or onto the floor. She loves to be flipped upside down with her bottom on the air and I always feel ridiculous when people smile at her in a way that says "aww you're so cute" but her butt if up the air right by my face. Great fun, great fun!
She is our first real crawler, Sam didn't crawl, or walk for that matter, he ran as fast as his unsteady legs could carry him across a room at 8 mo old and has yet to slow down. Liam never got the crawling fully coordinated and just began walking. *crosses fingers* here is to hoping she loves crawling and takes a few months to run faster than both her parents.
The boys LOVE they're baby sister. They thin it' t greatest thing in the world to be great big brothers. They chat with her and help keep her safe. There isn't a think I could ask them to do better... well if they could learn to change her diaper that would be amazing... just saying.
I feel bad, she's 11 mo old I should have more concrete things to say about her. She is just a spark of joy, naturally very happy.
We're lucky to have her and I'm grateful Heavenly Father trusted us enough to include her in our family.

A day at the beach

2009-01-10T22:05:00.000-08:00

I have the single most adorable family ever. Just look at them. (okay don't pick on the fact that scott's wearing the same shirt as he was yesterday, see I forgot to pack him any shirts at all and we bought that one here and I stayed up and washed all our clothes late last night and he wore it again today)

Today we went to the beach, oddly enough it was the same beach I went to my junior year in high school. It took me like an hour to figure it out but hey I'm too beautiful to be smart as well, right?

Anyway after we went to the beach we drove to LA, stopping at in and out burger for lunch YUMMY!!! Scott has officially decided animal style fries are the BEST kind of fries. He thought they look horrid when I first started getting them (way back when we were dating) but after a huge amount of strenuous effort on my part (such hard work, eating fries) Scott now loves them. Awesome huh?

Then we continued up CA-19 until we got increadiby lost in the streets of LA (scott's fault not mine thank you very much) I went fabric shopping. Not stressful clothing line coming out like right now and want to pull out my hair and cry like a baby type of fabric shopping. no no no, this was the FUN kind. The kind I like. Just me, $$$, and the garment district of LA. Now being a saturday there wasn't as much stuff as thursday when I went but I still managed to love it. every thing is $1 a yard. not even joking. It's like heaven. I have like 70 yards of fabric.

We then drove to carlsbad to meet my sister and her family for dinner and in the case of my hubby and my two kids, just to meet them for the first time. Sam and Madeline were like best friends right away, it was adorable. they were holding hands in the parking lot laughing there little butts off. Liam and Lily exchanged giggles from across the table and once they insisted on getting out of their high chairs ran around the table playing with toy cars. Ann took pictures and said she'd send me some, if she does I'll post them here. (perhaps not for another 6 mo knowing my glowing record.)

Rebecca

Disneyland

2009-01-09T22:57:00.000-08:00

Okay so this is probably the single worst picture ever, both boys were fussy, Hubby and I didn't remove our sunglasses and a breeze blew just as the picture was being taken and my awful bangs are hanging in the middle of my face but ya know what, this is my family and we had a fun day. (hubby looks pretty hot though, perhaps I'll write a blog about scott's outfit it's quite a story. Those are sample pants from the fabric supplier I went to but it's for this really posh brand that is WAY more money then we would ever spend on pants. swag rocks, the shirt story I will save for another day.)

Pictures

2008-11-09T20:43:00.000-08:00

Every time we go to the zoo we get the traditional pictures by the gorilla measure yourself thingy, and well, Liam didn't want daddy to have a turn
Sam didn't want a turn of his own so he shared w/ dad
My boys, all 3 of them
This is the best chair ever!!! Liam totally didn't fall out of it and I didn't have to hold him!!!

Bad college poetry, Part 2

2008-08-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

Here's the next part (not that the first part was all the dazzling) I'll let you know when we get to my favorite, they're all in this notebook and I'm just typing them all up one at a time.

Again this is another one from my night of bad poetry, blah. At least it's not about love right? This one was just about being frustrating with the whole had no idea what to do with my life.

Limbo

Getting tired of waiting
Can't stand hesitating
Wanna move, wanna go
But the traffics too slow
Touch my fingers to skay
Have no one ask why
Still stuck in between
Can't start the next scene
The curtain won't open
So I stand here hopin'
That tomorrow's the day
I can have my own say
On the speed I'll be going
And the scene they'll be showing

-02/18/2003

I'm skipping a couple in here, they're about Daniel and well that's just weird. If you really what to read it (aka have ammo to mock me) just let me know and I'll consider it.

This next one is untitled. It's about my life following my father's death and I could never find a name just right. I was, at the time, making the decision to be faithful to my religion or if I wanted to have religion and when I wrote this, it was sort of my internal acknowledgment that I couldn't deny what I knew to be true and right.

I was too young for him to die
But somehow I never asked why
I knew in who's hands I would be
Who's great plans included me
He inspired my soul to achieve
Thing's others refused to believe
Could be done by such a young child
They were sure I'd grown wicked and wild
Yet somehow I stayed in the flock
Some stood from the sidelines to mock
"You're missing the fun" their voices rang out
"you'll never get done" They'd lazily shout
But a calm voice called, you see
His gentle voice "come follow me"
So in my time of need, I needed no other
Just the encircling arms of my elder brother.

-2/19/03

I had the lamest job ever, I worked at one of those kiosk gas stations and sat inside a box all day by myself, which is why I wrote so much crappy poetry at this time in life. I had tons of time. So here is the poem dedicated to my job in a box.

Ode to Mirastar

Same time, Same task
Same happy perky mask
Wanna scream, wanna shout,
Find the way out
Of this cycle it seems I'm stuck
Feels like I've run out of luck
So right here I'll stay
Stuck in my box all day
Just waiting, just waiting

-2/19/03

Brittany wrote this one. Just like I seem to be unable to write stuff that's not angry, Brit can't write anything that's not extremely twisted. For an adorable blond girl who likes pink, there is some twisted junk going on in her head. (Love ya Brit)

Puppies

Puppies are cute
Puppies are sweet
Puppies are awesome
as barbecue meat

Brittany Asay Stringham -2/27/2003

This next one is one of my two favorites (that I consider poems, my absolute favorite is a "rhyming story") I wrote it in response to all the people who've told me how very annoying I am. Specifically Ryan Palmer who, our junior year, had expressed to me in extremely harsh phrasing that I was with out a doubt the most annoying person he'd ever met in his life and the world would not weep if I shut my trap and never spoke a word EVER AGAIN. While we are friends now and he's since apologized like 1,000 times, it affected me greatly for years.

Black Sheep

I can see that I'm different, can tell that I'm strange
People tell me "Be normal, Fix it, just change."
But what if I enjoy not being the norm?
So what if around me is chaos and storm?
What makes me so wrong and never quite right?
Just explain, show me your version of light.
So my hair is fruit striped and my socks never match
Some day you'll see I'm really a catch.
I sing out in public, and dance in the street
Introduce myself to anyone, always someone to meet.
But the one big difference between you and I...
I'm always happy while you sit and sigh.
I laugh and I giggle, this smiles for me.
It's not fake or pretend, so other's will see.
I'm a real person front to back, inside and out.
Smile when I'm happy, I'm sad so I'll pout.
So again, look at me, explain why I'm wrong
'cuz I dance in the street and break out in song?
This last question I ask, then the subject can sleep.
Am I the only white in a herd of black sheep?

-3/19/03

I can't help but laugh when I read this one because I remember the situation it was written for. Jon Forsythe!!! We went on a few dates (he sort of proposed to me the day after I got engaged which was weird) but when ever I was around him I just kept putting my foot in my mouth. BLAH!!!

My Walk To The Car.

I opened my mouth,just look what came out!
That jumble of words, it just poured from my spout.
Wishing to take back everything I say.
Turn back the clock to "How was your day?"
At end of the evening walking back to the car.
Scared that he's thinking "That girls real bizarre!"
I painstakingly review all my fatal transgressions
Hoping perhaps this time I shall just learn my lesson!
But alas, I am lost in this simple pursuit
So instead I shall pray to simply go mute.

-4/11/03

This is my absolute favorite because I think it's actually witty. It's again just about how I was unable to keep my trap closed long enough to not let stupid things leak out.

Longterm Friendships.

Stupidity is a companion of mine,
though I'd hardly call him my friend
He's always there by my side,
his advice all ready to lend.
At times he even brings some others,
Tongue Tied, Flustered or Loud.
With them comes along obnoxious,
I clearly need a new crowd.
So one day I sat Stupidity down
To convince him I was no good
That purely for his own benefit
he should find a new neighborhood.
He sat and listened til' I was done
Then laughed right in my face
Said he knew just what I needed
A big hug, not extra space
Intuition whispered knowingly
That we'd be together for a while.
So learn to embrace his quirks
Just don't adopt his style.

-4/11/2003

Last one folks, now don't tear up, I'm sure you'll be able to get through this difficult time of loss. Just breath deeply and imagine you hands are sinking slowing into bowls of molasses. (Scott is the only one who will get that joke and no matter how many times I try to explain it, it's really only funny to us.) This one's pretty obvious. Although it's probably the most significant example of what how exactly my relationship with Scott (now hubby) changed me. Before most of these have been angry and selfish dribble. This one show cases (while still not being great poetry) that I was starting to see myself differently and wanting to be a different person. These are feelings that I don't really talk about when people wonder about how I could meet someone and the elope with him 6 weeks later.

Potential

The woman whom I wish to be
Is not who I am today
She has a gentler disposition
and knows just what to say
to those with a troubled heart
or a rip right in their soul
She knows the meaning of ambition
and persistence to reach a goal
She doesn't loose her temper
when things don't go her way
She has a motivation to wake up
smiling every day
And 'thou I'm not this woman yet
if I work I know I'll be.
Then someday when I look in the mirror
She'll stare right back at me

-6/24/03

Bad Poetry from College part 1

2008-08-08T22:26:00.000-07:00

It has been a great embarrassment to me for many years and tonight I choose to get over it. Yes folks I write poetry or rather I used to, it's been years. But none the less it's been a rather humiliating thing to me. So here it is, A quick explanation to the mind set I was in and then my cheesy poetry. I'd like to say "enjoy" here but lets keep it realistic shall we.

I wrote this one not long after my father died, I was living at the Glenwood and I was just messed up. I had spent so many years hiding what went on in my family growing up and I was struggling to really deal with it for the first time in my life.

A Well Trained Liar

Smile so all will think you're happy
Even though you're mad.
Cry when you're suppose to
Despite that you're not sad.
Laugh though you don't get the jokes
So no one will suspect.
Play your little role in life
Give others what they expect.
Stand tall and firm through "think and thin"
Don't tell them you want to faint.
Hide the part that is the sinner
So they'll all think you're a saint.
Tell everyone "It's going great"
Though the world around you crumbles
Make them think you know the path
So they'll never know your stumbles.
- early 2002

Someone read this once and told me I had "anger issues" The last line makes me cringe now just reading it, was I really THAT cheesy?

Preventing the crime

Get out of my face
Just give me the space
I need to feel free
Don't stand next to me
I feel you encroaching
Don't want you approaching
Please don't preach to me
Stay out of reach from me
Don't need you near
It's not loneliness I fear,
But my heart you could steal
With a love that's not real.

-02/18/03

Apparently this was a night for bad poetry be cause the two entries are also from the same date.

Hiding

Always Crying
Inside I'm dying
But no one can see,
That pain's over taken me.
Because I always smile.
Mile for mile
No one notices the mess
No one thinks any less.

-2/18/03

Again, CHEESY, and just a touch on the angry side. If I remember correctly these were all written after my vegas weekend with Matt Garner. Blah!

The fairytale

You're an air headed knight that's all armor
No thought that your actions might harm her
She's not your dumb damsel in destress
Your complete lack of thought left a mess
In the hole where her heart used to be
So now, the sweet trusting girl you can no longer see.

-2/18/03

This one was written as I was deeply meditating about my evil roommate Tonya whom I couldn't stand. This was my attempt at understanding her. If you know anything about how we parted ways you'll know it was a VERY failed attempt. Also I get a little dr. seuss flavor in there in the end. It doesn't really fit but 5 years later... it seems wrong to fix it.

Then never to have loved at all.

A common phrase quite clear in meaning.
The elation of love, your hear soaring, dreaming
Is worth the fall from the clouds to the gravel
When your lover plays judge and throws down the gavel.
Love's splendor and whimsy is worth all the tears
So open your hear and release your fears
But here is my quandary, the trouble I'm having.
My heart is open, whist a lover is lacking.
No whispered sweet nothings, to send chills down the spine.
For this love I am waiting, searching to find.
So to those who doubt this generic cliche
I'd like to inform them right here on this day.
You're wrong misinformed, some braincells are skipping.
I'd much rather be lonely and know what I'm missing
Then long for a love I can't comprehend

-2/17/03

Okay I think that's enough for one day. There's more so keep you're eye open. I didn't even get to my favorite ones at the end.

And yes Brittany I know there are spelling and grammar errors so feel free to fix and forward. BLAH I hate knowing that you're analyzing it. Darn English major!!!

That's what she said

2008-06-18T07:45:00.000-07:00

So it's come to my attention that I've basically disappeared off the face of the internet. So I've decided to update everyone (which is uhm... yeah i'm pretty sure no one's going to read this)

I wake up against my better judgement every morning when I hear Liam making noise. Sam's allowed to wander around the house aimlessly but Liam is still in a crib and can't get out so I have to let him out and start my day which today was around 6:45am. I am not nor have I ever been what one would call a "morning person". It's not for lack of effort on my part. Hubby is convinced it's something I could change if I "really tried". This is probably the longest running debate we've ever had in our marriage and I still think it's just how it is.

Then I get my boys breakfast. Which for a lazy morning person like me means cereal. Sam adores cereal and asks for it at every mean where as Liam is more of an egg man. (baby really but can you say egg baby?) While they eat I start cleaning. I am not a good house keeper. I lived in total squaller growing up and probably the biggest pet peeve I have about myself is I can be in a totally filthy place and just not notice. It's gross and it bugs me so I have to work really hard and not letting my house get messy. Although right now I'm forgoing the morning cleaning to write a blog. Crap now I have guilt.

I will spend on average 2 to 3 hours cleaning my house every morning. It's never spotless but hey we all have clean laundry and the health department can't step in so whatever. Some days I'm really proud of myself in the absolutely dorkiest way. Liam's been napping at 11am lately which gives me a chance to shower and work on flash cards with Sam. I'm such a proud mama, he knows all his colors (except white, he seems deeply confused by white) his shapes and A through G of his alphabet. Numbers he struggles with though, he can count to 4 but I can't get him to connect the number with anything written down.

Then at 11:55 I drop the boys off at their babysitter. You'd think that they would be like normal kids and just stinking pretend to be sad when I leave but they love it there. They eat lunch and nap there and Scott picks them up about 3:30.

Then I get to work about 12:15. Right now my boss is in New York and it's just me at my desk for 7 hours straight. It gets pretty lonely some days I can't wait until he comes back just so it's not so boring at work. Plus he's is really bad with drawing technical sketches to work from and I want to yell at him for designing a bias cut dress with this huge heavy train *rolls eyes* I told him if he wanted to make it out of charmeuse that it would streatch across the belly too much from the added weight!!! Blah, okay back to blogging.

My current job is as a pattern maker/ seamstress at FilthyGorgeous. They're in the middle of hiring another seamstress so that won't be my responsibility soon YAAY. It may make me sound silly or whatever but I am very picky about the fact that I am the Pattern Maker. People who aren't in the industry probably won't think it's a big deal or anything to make the distinction but pattern making is considerably more specialized and is something even those who've been sewing for years have a difficulty figureing out. Where as just about any idiot with minimal training can run a sewing machine and claim seamstress.

At times I miss being the designer, but I've learned in both school and creating a clothing line that you have more job security as a patternmaker. The Fashion industry is increadably fickle and unless you're a huge name designer (which most aren't, most designers work at a design house under someone else's label) You cap at just under $70 a year but pattern makers can make double.

I like most of what Keith designs so it works. I know I give more feed back then he really wants all the time but that tends to be more when he doesn't have a detailed tech sketch to work from. We've been sort of working from a he hands me a gesture sketch with the silloette and basic lines he wants and I figure out how to make it can actually be made. Oh and I yell at him to remember that woman are inside the clothes and want to feel beautiful. Also we had a good sit down chat about working with plus sizes.

Then I come home at 7:00pm and the house is a total mess and we eat dinner. Scott is a fantastic dad but stuggles a bit the being the mommy. So I've given up on begging him not to let the boys turn the house upside down every night.

Then Scott and I will watch a movie or something after the boys go to bed. We've been watching the office off of netflix lately, we're so romantic (that's what she said)

That a normal day in my life. Yaay wohoo

Beckie

My socks today

2008-03-12T07:25:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start something new, I get many comments on my socks and it seems only fair to give them the attention they seem due.

I will now answer a few of the questions I'm always asked.

1. Do you ever match your socks?
-Yes but rarely, I go the extra mile to have socks that coordinate but don't match.
2. Why?
-I used to spend some of what precious little money I had on fun socks, but since I hate being barefoot and hate wearing shoes that left me walking around in only my socks thus rendering a pair useless after one of them got the inevitable hole. After a while I had a drawer full of one socks. Desperate laundry days lead to the need to match them together and eventually it became a regular thing.
3. Where do you get them?
-Costco (I can tell Vicki's getting excited that I buy them there.)
4. Aren't you a little old to be doing this?
-You're dumb, go home. (How can you be too old for awesome socks)

There it is folks. I'm thinking this will be a regular part of my blog to uhm... get used to it punk.

Oh and life in general is going well. I got a job to pay for my business as well as the many medical bills we expect to have coming in. Liam has obstructed apnea and after his sleep study this Saturday night he'll probably have to have both his adenoids and tonsils removed.

Have a great day.

Sisters

2008-02-22T11:08:00.000-08:00

Well guys, I just found out my sister may, or may not, have cancer. Yeah see here in lies the difficulty oh have a sister that's a pathological liar. It's kind of difficult to believe them at times that could be really important.

I don't want to be unsympathetic and mean by not believing this whole situation, but... she lies a lot, so how do you trust that. I don't know everything about it, what she says is going on doesn't match up exactly so maybe she's exagerating or down playing it. all I know is that she's scared enough to actually be turning to family. Scared enough to cry, which for as long as I can remember she didn't do. and this may sound strange if you don't really know my family but she's passing up opportunity to bad mouth family.

I'm confused and conflicted and it sucks that my family is so jacked up I can't even call her (no pride here people, she doesn't give out her number to family)

Enjoy your day peoples.

2008-02-20T08:23:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY LIAM!

Yes, today Liam is one. Don't overwhelm yourself with excitement people he doesn't actually care that it's his birthday. We're going to go and get pictures later, fun stuff I know.

Today feels so anti-climactic. It makes me a horrid mom and all but I haven't planned anything for little one. I've spent so much time and energy getting my "collection" ready for yesterday that today feels a little "huh, what do I do now?" So other than the pictures... I have nothing to do. Oh except to do 2 weeks worth of house cleaning... eh, I think I'll nap.

Real Professional

2008-01-30T06:03:00.000-08:00

Whoo, long time no blog. Seriously, life is crazy. For some crazy reason I decided to, oh I don't know, take as many credits as I did last semester and so I'm going, once again, out of my mind. My simple and not that hard to follow plan of one class a semester for the rest of my earthly existence just flew out the window my first day of class when the teacher for advanced designs came into pattern making and made her little pitch. I wasn't going to budge because I knew I didn't have all there prerequisites for this extremely difficult and time consuming capper for the entire fashion program. Then Louise, my pattern making teacher, shoved my notebook into my hand and firmly instructed me to go and add the class immediately. So to make my long story... slightly less long, I am taking the "fashion show" class as every one calls it and on April 11 I will be making my runway show debut. Except that they're blessing dresses so not only are my models incapable of walking, it's also going to be past their bed time. All I'm trying to say really is that I'm swamped. CRAZY BUSY!

Onto what I actually wanted to blog about today. I had my first photo shoot on saturday and if you would like to see the results just look at my website (www.minielegance.com) There is a ton of work that goes into a photo shoot. Getting 12 different models all the sameish size, scheduling it right... blah blah blah. Okay now true story. I've was in preparation for this for like 3 weeks. Then day of shoot I was really feeling confident I knew what was going on. Who was wearing what, what order things had to go in. The photographer was 1/2 hour late getting started so things got pretty hairy there at the beginning 4 babies, parents to match and 22 dresses and suits. I was handling it. Yes it was difficult be when people asked questions I knew the answers, about an hour in I was starting to feel really confident in myself and my abilities as a professional and then, it happened. My bubble burst, all confidence shaken, my spirits crushed. A friend of mine who's daughter was the right size came in and after a few minutes she discretely informed that my zipper was completely open. Yes ladies and gentlemen that's right. I hadn't taken a bathroom break all morning so it's logically to assume it was like that all morning.

It's hard to look like a real professional when your fly's down. *hangs head in shame*

School

2008-01-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

Well, it's that time again. I have my very first class of 2008 tomorrow. Now while I am not nearly as excited as say last semester, the excitement is still there. I guess last semester it was all new. I was wicked nervous about testing out of beginning sewing... How silly of me *sigh* This semester I'm only taking one class though. Advanced pattern making. I have drawings all ready of what I'm going to be making and the plan is to dig in and get them all designed and pattern perfect in 4 sizes. So despite not being nervous about what sort of student I'll be, I'm REALLY excited to get these dresses done. It's a good push that I think I need. I'm going to try and get one pattern done every week.

I haven't really been excited about it until today. I'm glad I already took my muscle relaxer because I'll need any help sleeping that I can get.

Christmas Pics

2008-01-07T07:42:00.001-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Okay so I know it's a little late to be posting these but I don't care much what you think HAHAHAHAHA.

The first one is Sam impatiently waiting for his dad to hurry up and get his rocket our of the packaging.

The second one is of Liam who really cared very little about Christmas in general but still enjoyed eating the packaging to everything.

The third is of Sam and the afore mentioned rocket. I have no recollection as to why he's naked but some days if we go too long without getting him dressed he just gets naked because pajamas are for bed time *duh*

While he loves that rocket, I loath it, it's so loud and so annoying I want to remove it's batteries. Not to mention it's too big for him. He can barely lift it up, which is why he's playing with it on the ground.

Oh for those of you who haven't seen the remodel TADA, that's how it turned out.

Journaling

2008-01-07T07:19:00.001-08:00

Good morning folks,

Scott keeps referring to my blog as my journal so I thought I'd write in it like a journal to see how it feels.

This weekend was fun. Saturday morning didn't start until 9:30 so is was wonderful right off the bat. Then we all got bundled up and ran a few errands. The most exciting of which was the purchase of our new *drum roll please* "Cook'n" software. It's pretty freaking fantastic if you ask me. Scott's been going on and on for months about how he wants a cook book that comes with a shopping list as well as the ability to type in what you have in your fridge and it goes through all the recipes in it's system and tells you what you can make.

Sam shouldn't be allowed out in public though. That kid REFUSED to keep his shoes and socks on. Which is pretty gross. No one else at best buy seemed to notice, or if they did we left before the social workers got there. Then got back and put the boys down for a nap. Which was successful until my mother-in-law arrived and rang the door bell. The in-laws hadn't been to the house since we (finally) moved furniture into the front room and so they came by so see the house. But since I had about as much energy as a sloth when she called to say she was coming I made zero attempt to clean up. She made the comment that I had an hours warning, as of course she looked around my house with distaste. My reply was that we'd grown close enough I didn't need to clean for her. I don't think she knew what to say to that so the conversation moved on. But as she left she said she'd just come over every Saturday until she was it clean. I smiled and bit my tongue.

Then the moment we could finally shove them out the door we bundled up the now awake boys and headed down to Scott's sister Carolyn's house of whom I love. Of all of Scott's sibs she is my favorite. Could be that she's the only one who didn't pass a serious amount of judgement when we got married and it endeared me to her for life or perhaps our mutual love of all things Joss... the world my never know.

Carolyn lives next door to the in-laws so I was dying to finally play the Wii boxing. Scott and I got a free Wii when we bought Scott's new car but after thinking about it decided to sell it to Scott's mom (who will from now on be referred to as Bonnie) for retail price. Which was kind of like our Christmas present to her since we could have sold it on KSL for way more. I love the Wii, I'm glad we sold it to Bonnie because Scott and I already have a 360 we barely use and this way really everyone in the family gets to play it. But the Wii boxing was so much fun and no joke my arms are still sore. Forget the gym and just buy a Wii.

I could go on and on about the other details of my weekend but this whole journaling and accounting every detail isn't my favorite thing to write so I doubt it was your favorite thing to read. The only other really exciting thing that happened was Scott wore the men's dress shirt I made him in school to church and no one asked him if it was home made *yaay*

Enjoy your day folks.

Oh and if you read this, would you mind terribly leaving a comment. As of now I think only Brittany and Brittany's mom Vicki read it and I was wondering if anyone else did too. (It's not likely but I was pretty shocked the first time I got a comment from Vicki, which I was tickled by.)

Failure

2008-01-06T15:49:00.000-08:00

Failure, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Am I a failure? I guess at the ripe old age of 24 it's a bit too early to tell. It takes up way to much of my thought process though. I stay awake at night laying in my bed next to my peacefully slumbering husband wondering if I have ruined everything.

The conclusion that I've settled on for now is that at 24 it's to early to be a failure. But I've also never succeeded at anything either. I've been mediocre at quite a few things but I've never been a flourishing success at anything. My two sons are the biggest credit to my name and I did very little to "accomplish" that. My body just happens to be futile and I've had two children. They being just themselves are what make them great so I feel uncomfortable for taking credit for them.

I think success in one thing is all I want. Just pick something and be fantastically good at it. Have a knack for it, a talent. Then work at that talent until it's breathtaking. I want to be good at something. The best, not just my best but THE best. I want to know everything there is to know about something. Be an expert on just one thing. It felt like I was getting that for a while, then I started school. It's amazing how easily one can disappear in a sea of talent. I don't have the same eye for color and texture as that girl, I would never have thought of that... blah blah blah.

I don't just want to be better, I want to be better than them. It's sick and twisted but that doesn't really matter it's still what I crave. It's why I spent so much time on my illustration homework last semester, every week our work was up for display whether the teacher put it in front of the group or not. I was in competition with all the other students in my own mind. It was my first art class since 7th grade and instead of letting myself off the hook and comparing myself to the other newbies I picked the girl who'd been drawing her whole life, she made it all look effortless. She was my competition. It didn't matter that I knew my stuff was better than the girls sitting next to me. It meant very little to me that the teacher gave you full credit no matter how it looked just as long as you did it. No, because I'm intensely competitive and I want mine to wow.

I'll admit that I very rarely wow'd anybody. It's a great disappointment to me that I never truly came up with anything that was amazing. The closest I've got is when the teacher made everyone in class redo one assignment except me, I floated on air. but other than that I was always in the middle of the pack.

Do we all crave this? Or have I just been middle of the barrel for so long and in so many things that a spark of true competitive spirit finally insisted on being heard.

I am Beckie and I want to be better than you.

Good mothering.

2008-01-03T08:13:00.000-08:00

I have not felt like the best mom in the world this morning. Why? because I've been angry and annoyed at my almost 3 year old Sam. He's funny, and spunky and full of life but that boy for the life of him won't sleep through the night. It's a battle every night and no kidding half the time he wakes up naked and shivering on his cover less bed.

This baffles us because every single night we send him to bed in pajamas and in a bed that's totally made. We've tried jammies of various thicknesses and he gets his choice of blankets every night (he always picks the rocket blanket) but it doesn't seem to matter much.

Back to me being a horrid mother, oh yeah, Sam wakes up AT LEAST twice every night. He cries suddenly, he comes into our bed, he goes into the kitchen and snacks on jello. It's something different each night, but while Sam can typically go right back to sleep Liam who shares a room with him does not. It didn't used to be so bad, Liam would just sleep right through what ever but it seems like for the past week he's been waking up every time Sam does, which is a HUGE pain in the butt because he doesn't go right back to sleep.

This morning I was pissed. He woke up around 1:30 and it was Scott's turn to attend to Liam (we have to take turns or else neither of us gets any sleep.) Scott said that he drank 4oz and went right back to sleep with in 10 mins, that's what I like to hear. But then Sam got up again at 6:08 and Liam did not go back to sleep. He was tired but no sleeping so it being my turn I took him downstairs and watched the new episode of Project Runway that I'd recorded from last night (Thank goodness that annoying "free spirited" girl is FINALLY off!!!)

Now while this doesn't seem like a big deal it was sort of like last straw and I just was so angry at Sam. He's almost 3 years old WHY does he wake up at least 2 times every night (Scott and I decided long ago that anything before 7am is night)

I just was sick of it but most obnoxiously... we can do nothing about it. We can't split them up because the 3rd bedroom serves as my office. And so this morning, I do not feel like a good mommy because I really just wanted to kick Sam in the butt for being annoying.

Hopefully I'll be better at motherhood for the rest of the day.

Beckie

The pink Twinkie

2007-12-28T20:03:00.000-08:00

"The pink Twinkie" is an iconic and beloved object in our house. It was originally the neck pillow purchased specifically for when I went to the hospital to deliver Baby Liam. With this being my 2nd trip to the delivery room I remembered how difficult it was to adjust large pillows when you're miserably house-sized with child as well as receiving an IV drip directly into your spinal column rendering the lower half of your body delightfully numb. While this lack of feeling in your legs is welcomed and wonderful it does come with it's own challenges so I purchased a neck pillow the second time around to make things easier. It worked by the way.

It only seems fitting given it's origins that it now belongs to Liam. He's adopted it as his wrestling partner. He will joyfully pounce on this pillow, grin widely if you wiggle it in front of him and promptly attack it. It's just the right size for him I guess and either way, he loves it. The sad thing about this... most of the time the pink Twinkie wins. We're not quite sure how, but we've seen Liam go from a seemingly dominant position with his whole body on top of it and his legs straddling it, to suddenly and with surprising agility flip so that the Twinkie is on top and he's struggling beneath. Scott and I just laugh hysterically but Liam, man that kid takes it seriously. He gets this look of absolute and unflinching single mindedness for one thing, a rematch. Tune in next time for the exciting rematch of "Babyzilla" and "the pink Twinkie"

P.S. We call him Babyzilla because Sam's train was all nicely set up around the Christmas tree and every time Sam would start playing with them Liam would come over and pick up track pieces and stick them in his mouth.

Abbie's dress

2007-12-03T07:21:00.000-08:00

Occasionally with all the stress of everything I forget how much I enjoy designing and executing an original piece. Yesterday was the exact reminder I needed. I'm in the middle of finals, I'm stressed out as can be and there have been times where I've thought to myself "why in the world am I doing this?" and then I'm reminded. It's because I love it.

I think it was the push I needed to finish everything I need to do. Also Scott was very impressed with it and wants me to branch out into everyday children's clothing, which actually means a whole ton coming from him. It's his comments more than anything else that effect how much confidence I have in a piece. I didn't realize that until Halloween last year when he excitedly showed off one of the princess dresses I'd made for a neighbor to his mom. It made me feel so great that he was proud of me.

My boys

2007-11-30T22:59:00.001-08:00

Isn't there a language where they have 20 someodd different kinds of love? I think we need that in the English language. "I love my new shoes", "I love how my new skirt is coming out", "I love it when I don't hit any red lights on my way to school". But none of it even comes close to meaning the same thing as "I love my boys". I love then them individually and I love them being brothers together. There needs to be a better word for that kind of love.

I went to the store for milk with just Sam this evening and he was so wonderful. It makes me melt to see him just be him. His devilish smile that radiates pure joy and mischief, the way he holds out both his arms like an airplane and runs as fast as he can weaving back and forth in the aisle, how he sits in the car after he's already been unbuckled absolutely captivated until the DVD player turns off despite having seen the movie a dozen times before. It all takes my breath away.

The most amazing and baffling thing though, is he's a part of me. Not just because when he trips on the stairs and hurts himself I hurt with him, and as he cries in my lap and I snuggle him, I want to cry with him just because he's in pain. I know he'll be completely fine in 30 seconds and it's not a big deal but my heart aches because he's hurting. It's not just those things, it's also that the make up of who he is biologically, he's part me.

A marriage is the work of two people doing what they can to make the other persons life better while being the best that they can be themselves. Sam and Liam are the result of that. They are each fifty percent Scott and fifty percent me, creating these two absolutely wonderful mixes whose whole is greater then the sum of it's parts. No matter what else Scott and I happen to do in life, no other achievements -together or separate- will ever be as great as the beautiful gifts that Heavenly Father has given us in the form of Samuel Scott and Liam Grant.

A lot of unfortunate things have happened to me in my life. I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone. But I can't say that I would change any of it, because all of it has brought me to where I am today. And if anything changed I might not have my boys, my precious boys, today.

It's taken years, countless tears, and letting go of a lot of anger but I feel like I'm finally starting to turn into the person I want to be. Slowly, VERY slowly, but occasionally it's her reflection staring back at me, giving me hope that some day I too will be more then the sum of my parts.

If only I had something meaning full to go on about.

2007-11-18T21:07:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been a bit overwhelming. Both boys starting seeping sticky green yuck out of their eyes on Friday, luckily we were able to get a prescription for eye drops before the dr office closed which is nice because Liam is totally cleared up and Sam doesn't make you cringe just by looking at him now.

It's pretty difficult to convince a two year old to let you drop stingy liquid into their eye, heck it's hard to convince me that it's okay, so it turned out to be this three times a day torture session where Scott would sit on him with his arms down while we each held parts of his head as he wriggled as hard as he could to get out of it. It doesn't really do much to make you feel like the worlds greatest mom, or dad in Hubby's case, but it needed to be done so you just suck it up and provide lots of hugs, kisses and encouragement that it'll help him feel better.

So Brit asked me the other day why there wasn't anything interesting in my blog, and since she's the only person who reads it I sort of feel like I'm failing in the way of bloggy goodness. So here is the Beckie McSilly official apology for having a completely non-intresting blog.

Sorry yo.

There it is folks. You now know that I know that I'm not terribly interesting and also that I'm sorry about it.

Beckie

duck, duck, NOT DUCK!!!

2007-11-13T20:16:00.000-08:00

Tonight Scott and I set aside sometime where we were going to just play and have fun as a family. With everything being so busy as of late, we really wanted to just relax a bit and enjoy the evening. Relax is not really something that happens when you're playing with my boys, after like 20 minutes of Sam level energy I was a goner, here is why.

First thing we decided to do was sit down and play a good ol' fashion game of duck duck goose. Sam is 2 though so the finer points of this game are a bit lost on him. Despite calling this game by it's proper title, he will go around the circle (which is really only Scott and I with baby Liam roaming around us) patting each of our heads three or so times as he says duck and then, no joke, he yells out "NOT DUCK" and runs as fast as he can and hides in plain sight waiting for you to chase him.

I could not stop laughing. Thankfully the first time around Scott, after being told duck twice in a row as he circle round, (in a row as in Sam is walking around Scott just the once and at three different points in a row without passing him he pats Scott's head) Scott was named "NOT DUCK" We exchanged a puzzled gaze as we both processed the "NOT DUCK" then I just fell over onto the floor laughing. It was one of those moments that, try as you might, you just can't stop. Then of course it was time to start a new round and Sam began shushing me in a very serious way saying "Quiet, goose now." Yeah that didn't help my snickering which only aggravated him more thus causing a horrible cycle of him getting madder and me laughing at his getting madder.

How is it that he knows the game is called "Duck, Duck, Goose." and it some how comes out "NOT DUCK". It sounds like something we'd teaching him (our goal in life is to throughly torture all of his elementary school teachers.) but we didn't, this he came up with all on his own.

It sort of makes me reassess my preliminary diagnosis of Sam as a jock. He's got all the makings of a jock, tall, lean, muscular. Threw a football to me and it actually spiraled, months before he was even suppose to be throwing... things like that. But now after this display of truly McKinney-like way of thinking, he might just be a kick butt geek.

It makes me so proud. *tear*

The inappropriate blog

2007-11-12T12:14:00.000-08:00

I'm a blog addict today, perhaps it's because today is set aside to do homework and there's only so much tweed rendering a girl can do in one sitting. Plus there's something very satisfying about posting your thoughts for the whole world to see, and yet know that no one will ever read it, except Brit, (sup Brit) and since we've each witnesses the other wet themselves I'm not so much with the scared of what Brit thinks of me.

My woman's dr appointment. by Beckie McSilly -Blog readers be warned.

There are a many times in life that the need to pee is annoying, driving, the 3rd time in an hour when you're pregnant, nursing you're baby etc. Then there are times that it's really really bad to need to pee, one of those times is when you're sitting on an exam table in an opens in the back gown and you're awaiting a pap smear. It's not like I can scamper down the hallway and just do my thing I'm freaking naked. It's also not very comfortable to have a full bladder and have someone pressing from the inside of your woman parts checking on the ovaries. Peeing on the Dr is not an option in life.

I mean they may have delivered your babies and all, and dealt with that whole situation (and lots of uckiness comes out when you have a baby) but they're expecting it. Their all suited up for it. I don't want to go and sit at my desk for work and all the sudden get pee'd on, I'm sure Doc feels the same.

It's also been pointed out to me, by more than one Dr actually, that I am very small and/or tight down there. So inserting the quacker is probably one of my least favorite things ever (also NOT easy on the bladder.) Here's the thing that gets me though, she stopped and asked "Is this hurting?" Why do they do that? Why is it always that they stop what their doing, usually forcing me to still be feeling the discomfort and ask how I'm doing. THAT SHOULD NOT GO THERE NO I AM NOT COMFORTABLE!!! But you're going to do it either way so by all means go ahead and stop what you're doing and just hold it there, it'll REALLY help the getting it over with process, Thanks people.

It's the same with the dentist, don't stop and ask how I'm doing. I'll stop you if you need to stop but if I'm only making a face and not verbally complaining then keep doing what you gotta do because taking you're time isn't going to help me any.

I'm trying to think of anything else that I want to say that's inappropriate... nope I'm good. Enjoy you're evening ladies and gentleman, don't forget to brush your teeth.

Beckie

Little orphan Beckie

2007-11-12T07:44:00.000-08:00

There haven't been too many moments in my life where I've really wanted a mom to talk to. My mom is of course out of the question, given her illness. (being crazy doesn't really make you a candidate for mother of the year.) And all the people I used to sort of use as surrogate mommies didn't quite feel right.

This last Tuesday I got some pretty upsetting news. Like, bawling my eyes out with this feeling of hopelessness that is creeping back in even as I write about it. Scott was at work, and as I love him this is much a problem he's having as I am but he reacts in anger (not at me) but it's hard because I end up feeling like I'm calming him down and telling him it'll all be okay when I really don't mean any of it.

Tuesday was the first time in years, possibly ever, I felt truly lost with out a mommy. I usually don't think about my lack of mom as a big deal. For years I'd sit and grit my teeth as I listened to lessons on the importance of motherhood, convincing myself that it didn't apply in my case that I was fine.

I put a lot of unnecessary weight on my friends growing up trying to fill my need for family. But as I cried feeling lost inside my own sea of thoughts I realized none of them were around anymore the way that family is. I flipped through the caller ID and tried desperately to reach my cousin or my sister in law, know that neither was exactly what I was looking for but that they'd let me cry to them. Some people do best to slowly mull things over and get over it. I am not one of them. I have to get it out, crying, screaming, laughing and then it quickly washes away. But I don't seem to process things when they are left bottled up inside me.

In the end I called a friend of mine in the ward, our sons are the same age and she's got a kind heart. I was a little humiliated at not having anyone to cry to besides some lady in the ward.

I try not to dwell too much on my lack of family connections. Mostly it's not too big of a thing since I've got a new family in the works. I didn't understand all those lessons on the importance of family growing up until I grew up and had my own. Scott and his family have done a great job of welcoming this dysfunctional little mess into their group and I appreciate it more than words.
But there are still times I feel like the orphan I am.

2007-11-12T07:18:00.000-08:00

1. Where do you work? From my office at home, where I'm attempting to start up a company. Yaay go me.
2. Why did you choose to work there?Because I've always had the feeling I'd die fairly young and I've always wanted to own a dress shop so I sort of figured it was now or never.
3. Do you like your job? It's a great outlet for all the ideas of things I want to make.
5. What are the Pros/Cons? Pro's: I'm in charge and get to decide what I'm doing that day. Con's: That I'm not making any money yet.
6. What was/is your major/minor? Fashion, yeah I'm a little embarrassed about saying it but it's *gulp* fashion. Although I don't dress nearly as cool as the other fashion students. A good day for me is coming to school with out baby food on me.
7. What made you pick that? Because I enjoy sewing but quickly discovered that being limited by a pattern way extremely ridiculous and I just started doing my own things thinking I was this big time pattern rebel. Now of course I've been in pattern making classes and realize store bought patterns are totally worthless (except maybe when there only 99 cents)
8. Do you have any pets? No, Scott and I use to have Saurman and Gandolf, they were little kittys, but they are no longer with us.
9. Are they inside or outside pets? At first they were inside but then I got preggers with Sam and we started being mean and just shoved em' outside.
10. Where do you live? Murray, which is basically Salt Lake City but with cheaper utilities
11. Do you like it? Yeah, we love our location, but I'm not crazy about the floor plan to our house.
12. What are the top 5 things on your "wants" list?
a) To not have to go to my "woman's dr" appt today at 11:30
b) For my business to make enough money to pay for my surgery
c) For my business to make any money at all.
d) The constant remodeling of my house to be over with
13. What is stopping you from getting them?
a) The need for a renewed birth control perscription.
b) People aren't buying my stuff.
c) Again with the people not giving me money.
d) We're working on it okay!
14. Where is your next vacation location? Probably southern California to see my sister, but not until Liam's old enough to go on and remember some of the stuff at disney land.
15. What is the best thing about your life right now? My boys.
16. Why? There's no way to be angry when they're looking at you with a big grin. (and yes that includes Scott.)
17. Worst? How selfish I feel about wanting to start my business
18. If you had unlimited talent what would you do different than what you are doing now? Well my house would be extremely organized and people would probably be buying my stuff...
19. What are 5 things you would say that you do well?
a) Pattern making, I've discovered a talent in pattern making.
b) Sewing.
c) Cooking anything from a can of cream of mushroom/chicken.
d) Snuggling with my boys.
e) Saying hello to new people.
20. If you were to make any changes in your life right now, what would they be? I'd be better about money.

Inner monologue

2007-11-11T14:59:00.000-08:00

There is rarely quiet inside my head. Not because I'm busy thinking of deep and meaningful thoughts, mostly because I'm too self absorbed to stop thinking about myself. When I'm doing dishes, laundry, cutting out a pattern, etc there's this running inner monologue that's sort of a narrative of what's going on, or about my life in general. It's a good indicator about what mood I'm in which sometimes I won't be completely aware of until my narration makes it plainly obvious. My narrator uses great adjectives you know.

I sometimes feel like if I were to at that moment site down and write it would be brilliant, only every time I sit down and write in my worthless blog of pointlessness (yeah I'm pretty sure my circulation when back down to one... sad huh) it really doesn't come out the same.

"And there she sat, sitting at the screen. Wishing something deep and meaningful, something truly relevant to the world would gracefully spill out of her typing fingers. But alas her mind was blank, an void of pertinent thoughts."

That's basically what's going on inside my head at all times. Yep that's me.

Moving on, I finally saw transformers yesterday. It was an odd movie watching experience, I was riveted during the whole movie, eyes glued to the screen and Scott feel asleep during an action sequence. It was a total Freaky Friday, role reversal moment. How weird would it be to really trade bodies/lives with your spouse. Intimate moments would be awkward at best but I could do the peeing standing up part. Any how back to the movie... It was a good movie and while I used to have a fondness for Shi labouf before, I think I sort of want to be a big fan of his. Perhaps I should learn to spell his name correctly first.

Well, thank you for reading my blog (yes that one person who might have read it). Until next time...

Beckie

Ironic perscriptions

2007-10-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

Well folks, it's time to get excited *yaay* I think my readership has increased to two. Which in my blogging universe is a 100% increase so WOW what a huge thing for me. GO ME.

Alright on to the point. I went to my surgical consultation today and while I left the office crying this was actually a wonderful thing. The very idea of having surgery of any kind freaks me out a bit but other than that... not such a horrid visit. On to the ironical point.

Ever since my jaw was locked open for what felt like forever 4 weeks ago I have had this SPLITTING headache. It's wicked annoying! So as I was leaving I asked him what should I do about my headaches in the mean time since prescription strength medications were doing absolutely nothing for it. Well, I guess my muscles are just so inflamed from what's going on that it's like compressing my head, fun I know, so he prescribed a muscle relaxer for me.

Get this, I take it out of the bag and it says clear as day on the side "may cause headache" what the crap. Besides all the yucky side effects such as drowsiness, dry mouth, dizziness, blurred vision, constipation, heart palpitations and yellowing of the eyes, those last two are super bad and I have to consult a dr if those happen. The list of ill effects are long and ya know what, I'll deal with it because it feels like my heads in a friggin vice, but what the crap it may cause the very symptom I'm taking it to alleviate! Some how that just seems a little bogus to me.

Also there's a whole other irony in taking a muscle relaxer when the whole problem is that my ligaments are too loose. Won't it just make the whole dislocating jaw thing even more severe? Again, what the crap? *rolls eyes*

I think it's working though. I took it right before sitting down to write this and I'm pretty sure if I don't wrap this up I'll just fall asleep on the keyboard. Thanks to both of my avid readers. You're too kind *blow kisses to horde of adoring fans* I'll keep you updated... if I of course survive the side effects of my new little pills of doom. *insert foreboding music here*

Beckie

Cry if I want to...

2007-10-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school I didn't actually care about my grades at all. I did well in a class when I had a reason ie, a boy, but when that was not the case I could literally couldn't have cared any less about grades. Fast forward 6 1/2 years since my graduating class donned those lovely cap and gowns and I bawled my eyes out after turning in an assignment that I'm pretty sure could still get an A.

HUH? When did this grade grubbing spaz begin to inhabit my body? Is it maturity FINALLY taking some small hold in me, do I realize that school is a financial investment that should be taken seriously to reap the most benefits? Well probably not since mature people don't cry into their husbands shoulder at midnight, sobbing about failure.

I think part of me learned stuff, I know that but for the most part it was that I knew I could have done so much better. I walked into that room more prepared than anyone else, my mens dress shirt was totally complete except for buttons and button holes... how in the 'verse did it take me 5 hours to not finish that completely? I froze I think. Ya know how sometimes you can do it, and sometimes you just know you're not on your A game (hehe, funny me, A, ya know cuz it's a school assignment and I don't think I got an A hahaha) Well, I've discovered that anytime I'm around people I basically spaz out.

See when it's me and someone I'm comfortable with I'm... it might be a stretch to be calling myself normal but on the less spazzy side. But I'm like a child who won't act normal when the home teachers come over. I am that six year old who's standing on her head in the middle of the living room while everyone else sits uncomfortably trying to carry one despite my insistence that I'm worth paying attention to.

Back to the point, something was just off last night in class. At home I'm good, very skilled at something I've been doing for 81/2 years. I know what I'm doing, and yet somehow when I'm sitting in class it all falls apart and I get crappy ugly button holes and button shanks that looks like they were crafted by an 8 year old embarking on a first time craft project with mommy watching over *pout*

And so for some reason or another I spent a considerable amount of time crying last night. I hadn't really cried in a while *shrug* well folks for better or for worse that's how it is.

My very first blog

2007-07-12T13:09:00.000-07:00

Well here I am ladies and gentlemen, posting the ins and outs of my entire life for all the world to see, or more a considerably more realistic description, just my cousin who's going to BYU... (sup Rachel).

Chances are if you're reading this you already know who I am so I'll simply for go the who's and what's and where's that can be so tedious and just blog like you are already in the loop.

Lets begin shall we... it's moments like these where you can't help but reflect on your life and think "man, I'm pretty boring."

oooh ooh I thought of something. My hubby woke me up this morning before he left for work to show me this video he took of Sam eating dinner last night. Now let me just say I tend to be slightly... how do I put this, less than fun to be around in the morning, (that's like saying a tornado is a small gust of wind) so he was risking life and special limb to be waking me up after he knew I stayed up WAY too late last night (I went to see HP5 with the previously mentioned cousin, sup Rachel.) Let me just say, his risk that showing me this would be something I thought valuable enough to wake up for was founded.

This is basically what the video was. My 2 year old sitting in his booster seat at the dinner table, nodding off and swerving back and forth precariously. (we have a counter height table... it could have been bad) He would close his eye and let his head droop just to have it snap back quickly as he attempted to remain conscious. This happened several times before my hubby took the fork out of his hand. Now this was taken on out digital camera so there's no sound but you can see his sudden rouse from his would be slumber completely and begin to enact that part from the scriptures "weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth" so Scott gave him the fork back which Sam took with and air of "yeah that's right, you BETTER listen punk." The whole scene would then play itself out over again. 3 times this happened (from what I can recall... it's a little foggy, being as it was early and I'm a lazy bum.)

There are few things in life more entertaining then your old children. I mean, they completely replace all awkward conversation with "did he just do that?" "oh yeah that's my boy, *tears welling in eyes* only he can step into a room and magically everything with in 4 feet of the ground is broken or thrown."

Sorry world, but if you invite me to your house and then proceed to leave out breakables, I have no real pity for you.